grace given me

Have you ever grown so comfortable that you find yourself restless? Has anyone else checked some things off the life list and settled in, but are finding themselves a little unsettled? I feel you. When did we come to believe that we were meant to strive and engage for a little while, but that the goal was to “arrive” and then step back into a settled existence. I confess that I was once bought in. But staring down the “is this it?” left me wanting. I have been convicted with the realization that a person who is always seeking comfort and never tries new things or meets new people becomes stagnant. Stagnation is one of the worst feelings a human can feel. It’s time to stretch. 

If you have found yourself a little more insulated – physically, emotionally or spiritually – than you had anticipated, I want to encourage you to step outside of your comfort zone and re-engage. In Genesis 2:18, after creating Adam and placing him in the Garden of Eden, it famously says, “It is not good for man to be alone.” Even in paradise, loneliness was a thing. We were meant to do life together. Just as the trinity is three-in-one, we are not to do life by ourselves and for ourselves, but with and for one another. A number of studies have shown (2019 US National Center for Health statistics, 2023 US Surgeon General advisory, The Blue Zones book just to name a few) that people in close connection with others enjoy significantly better health. We are hard-wired for connection: Connecting with other people makes for a better life. God wants us to connect with one another.

We know what is best for us, yet we are often susceptible to lethargy, doubts and fears. Have you ever thought, “I want to go,” but succumb to staying home and scrolling your phone instead? We have enjoyed so many wonderful ways to connect online, but it is not equivalent to “IRL: in real life.” In Exodus 33:11 it says, “And the Lord spoke to Moses face to face, as a man speaks to his friend.” We need face time with others. 

What about, have you ever said to yourself, “I don’t need anyone.” But imagine what our loving heavenly Father would think about that. He who needed no one but chose to come and be amongst us so we would never walk alone. 

What about, “People are challenging and always let me down.” I once read this quote in Lisa See’s Lady Tan’s Circle of Women and loved it: “A friend without faults will never be found.” We are all imperfect sinners. Relationships drive us into reliance on God who has given us the Holy Spirit to help us in our times of need. Christian philosopher Dallas Willard once said, “Saints burn grace like a jet burns fuel.” God loves his children spending time together and knows we are flawed. He gives us what we need to forgive and accept and enjoy each other. 

How about, “They don’t need me. I can’t offer anything.” Holding yourself back and staying safe is an excuse not to change, yet change is at the root of human fulfillment. Think of the opposite – if nothing has changed, then we are left feeling like we are going nowhere. It feels hopeless. Change has the potential to unlock our happiness. It’s time to rekindle your light and let it shine. Verses in Matthew 5:14-16, say, “You are the light of the world… neither do people light a lamp and put it under a bowl. Instead they put it on its stand, and it gives light to everyone in the house. In the same way, let your light shine before others…” Have you considered who might be on the other side of your illumination? Who might need what you can offer?

It may feel daunting to take a bold step, but here are some things that have helped me:

–   I moved from SoCal to Chicago to Memphis to NYC to San Diego; I became known for “Try 10 things.” Try 10 things you are interested in and you will make at least one friend. Takes the pressure off if you don’t find ‘your people’ in something you try. Try it, move to the next.

–   More recently I have become known for “Say yes to one thing.” A yes begets more yeses. If I say yes to go hiking with a group, a hiker invites me to her book club and another includes me in her weekend plans. You find yourself saying yes to more things.

–   CS Lewis said, “When you are behaving as if you have loved someone, you will come to love him.” In 2023, I began visiting with a woman in a care facility. She now introduces me as her best friend. We did not know what we would come to mean to each other.

–   CS Lewis also spoke of a “secret thread” that runs among people who have a passion for shared books, movies, art, music, pastimes, causes, etc. Friendships easily blossom when people are committed to a shared interest or purpose. 

–   My bunco group just celebrated our 18-year anniversary. We started out strangers wearing name tags and have now shared births, deaths and everything in between. All because one woman courageously walked her neighborhood handing out flyers and a brave group of us showed up.

–   Afraid of those awkward initial moments? Don’t underestimate the power of a smile and simply asking someone a question. Interested people are interesting.

Lord, you love each and every one of us. You want your children to love one another, forgive one another, accept one another, build with one another, support one another, and celebrate with one another. You delight in connection and community. Remind us that our most joyful experiences have been with others. Help us to get out of our own way. Help us to reject the lies that tempt us to shrink back. Isolation is the enemy’s game. Stepping out is the action of an optimistic and confident soul. Lord, give us confidence and hope in you and your beautiful ways. Amen.