grace given me

Recently I felt a prompting to share this blog on my personal Facebook page. I was struck with some unexpected feelings. I am an all-in Jesus lover who wants to share the transformational power of what a relationship with him can do. I want to honor all that he has done in my life so that others know, ‘if he can do it for me, he can do it for you.’ Yet, I held up. Despite all that he has done for me and everything I know about who he is, I was caught off guard, and a little disappointed, that I was hesitant to share. The people I am connected with on Facebook are from my different life stages, most of which were my “BC” years. I confess that I was afraid they might reject and mock my beautiful Jesus. I confess that I was afraid they might reject and mock me.

In Luke 5:39 it says, “But no one who drinks the old wine seems to want the new wine. ‘The old wine is just fine,’ they say.” For a long time, I was just fine with the old wine. In fact, I turned my back on Jesus. I had no need for him and I found myself projecting those feelings onto my Facebook friends. Because I am not a gifted evangelist equipped to eloquently defend him, I didn’t want to ‘hang him out to dry.’ How small do I think God is? He was already hung out – on a cross, for us. He doesn’t want to be defended. He died, in love, for people who turn their backs from him. “But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.” (Romans 5:8) God is not afraid of a little disbelief, a little hatred even. Jesus said, “Love your enemies!” (Matthew 5:44) He is not afraid of rejection as Luke 6:35 points out, “…for he is kind to those who are unthankful and wicked.” Was I really fearing for his mockery? Starting with ridicule in his hometown all the way through to the Roman soldiers who stripped him, placed a crown of thorns on his head, spit on him, beat him, all while taunting him, “Hail, King of the Jews!” Yet here he is a couple thousand years later – still saving, healing, redeeming, restoring. He can handle a little criticism on Facebook. I have faith in him.

So that leaves me in confrontation with my own thin skin. What am I really afraid of? That people will not believe I have become who I say I have become? Honestly, I can’t believe it. The freedom and peace and love I have in my soul. The renewed hope I have for my marriage and for life. I wrestled with the same fears, doubts, insecurities, and wounds for years. Do I never have fears or hurts now? No, but it’s just different. I put them under God and get a supernatural peace I couldn’t get on my own. I was also afraid that people might call me a hypocrite. I just learned that “hypocrite” in Greek originally referred to actors “who speak or act with a mask.” Do I sometimes put on a nice, strong, or smart mask? Of course I do. But my God loves me so much that when I get convicted of my false bravado and confess it to him, he removes the mask and tells me to try again but with his grace and power. Another fear I had was that what if something “big and bad” happened and my faith wavered. Would I look like the aforementioned hypocrite? Would I do damage to fledgling believers? If I’m worried about ‘how I look,’ well then that’s just pride and pride is one of the biggest barriers to living a Jesus-filled life. I’m just going to have to wrestle that one down. And the fledgling believers, who do I think I am? I think I can count on God doing his God thing for anyone who is wise enough not to pin their salvation on little old me.

There will always be times when we need a little more faith. The good news is that Jesus is ready to help. Even his most faithful twelve needed support as Luke 17:5 says, “And the apostles said to the Lord, ‘Show us how to increase our faith.’” He responded that all they needed was faith the size of a mustard seed – the tiniest of heartfelt belief and he would make mountains move. In Mark 9:4 a father asking Jesus to heal his son is told that ‘anything is possible if a person believes.’ The father cries out, “I do believe, but help me overcome my unbelief!” Jesus heals the boy. How can you not love a Jesus who craves your faith so much that if you are just willing to try he rushes in to help you go the distance.

Dear Lord, I will forever be grateful that you did not abandon nor reject me despite the years I turned from you. Thank you for giving me a grasp of how deep, how wide, how complete your love is for us. You are willing to endure so much, go to such great lengths to chase after us. You never stop pursuing. You never say, “Oh now they’ve gone too far.” You are beyond what we can fathom. You are always there, waiting, willing, hoping that we will just turn to you. You long to give us peace, hope, freedom and love in the very depths of our souls. Thank you for giving me faith in you. Amen.