grace given me

I confess I thought I was on my A game. There has been a lot going on with preparing for my brother-in-law’s celebration of life, with my daughter living abroad, with some life wrestling with my son, with letting go of a passion project that will have to go on hold for now. Just to name a few. Because of all this, I have been spending focused time with God to make sure I am prayed up. I even made a ‘warfare’ notecard to wrangle fears and take them to Christ. The card contains the hope and healing I am declaring in Jesus’ name over people and situations near and dear to my heart. As things came up – worries, disappointments, distractions – I earnestly practiced rebuking the whispers of the enemy and choosing to believe the promises of the God who loves me. I was trying to “take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.”

But we know that our “adversary the devil is prowling around like a roaring lion, looking for anyone he can devour.” Just because we are ‘prayed up’ does not mean that the enemy backs off. In fact, he often doubles down, looking for any entry point. A place left unattended where he can slip in through the cracks. I have been reading The 5F Life by Morgan Ervin and Jon Heinrichs with our church, a sort of all-church book club. At the start of the book, they quote this verse: “Beloved, I pray that you may prosper in all things and be in health, just as your soul prospers” – 3 John 1:2. Did you notice: all things. I was focused ‘over here,’ but like a magician who keeps your eyes on one hand, the enemy was trying to pull off tricks with his other hand.

The book then references another verse: “But the high places were not taken away out of Israel; nevertheless the heart of Asa was perfect all of his days.” – 2 Chronicles 15:17. The book opened my eyes to a revelation. The authors write: “There are seasons in life when you’re doing all the right things. But underneath, behind the scenes there are still a few high places… quiet compromises. Areas you’ve protected, justified, or just ignored.”

In my quiet time, God gently revealed two ‘high places’ I hadn’t fully surrendered.

My time. I realized how much I’ve made an idol out of time. I love my freedom. I like doing what I want to do when I want to do it. I have justified it. When I was young I felt compelled to give much of my time to a competitive sport. After college, I felt the time demands of building a career. Then sustaining a marriage and layering kids on top. With an emptier nest and work-life balance, I savor the margin I finally have. But I know it is a false idol – I think it makes me happiest but I’m not so sure it does. I’ve been afraid that surrendering my time would mean losing myself again. I need to remember that I was not walking in freedom then. Giving up control of my time to God is scary and uncomfortable, but I don’t need to fear. I know if I surrender it to him, I can trust him to use it for good. For he “works all things together for the good of those who love him.” 

My pride. This one is harder to admit. God has done deep work in me over the years — breaking fears, reshaping identity, teaching me to rest in who he says I am. Thank you Jesus. You have broken me of me in beautiful ways. Yet I still hold back sometimes, worried what people might think. I avoid healthy conflict or self-righteously try to shift blame. I still want to be understood more than I want to love well. God reminded me that if I put on his armor — truth, righteousness, peace, faith, salvation, and the Word — I don’t have to defend myself. I can let go and just carry his presence.

Lord, how great are your riches and wisdom and love. You want us to prosper in all things, yet in our flesh, we hold back or try to do things on our own. I confess that I have held back high places. I confess that I have not fully trusted you. Help me surrender my time to you – teach me how to use it for your glory, not my comfort. Help me lay down my pride. Fortify my identity in you so I can love freely and fully. I believe – help my unbelief. Remind me that when I shed me of me, I find the purest joy and peace. Amen.