grace given me

We just got back from a road trip along the East Coast — starting in D.C. and ending in New Jersey. When we reached the Garden State, we discovered a delightful surprise while getting gas: did you know New Jersey only has full-service gas stations? That’s right — you pull in, hand over your credit card, and say, “Fill’er up.” You don’t have to get out of your car; you can stay warm, check your phone, verify your route on Maps. It’s glorious.

Though the trip and the people we shared it with were extra special, travel inevitably brings its share of bumps. Close quarters, misaligned expectations, and less-than-advertised accommodations can magnify little frustrations. I found myself getting unnecessarily triggered. It reminded me of Paul’s words: “I do what I don’t want to do, and I don’t do what I want to do.”The trip was too epic, and the people too precious, to let silly things dampen the memories we were making. Still, I shouldn’t have been surprised — the enemy is always prowling, seeking to lie, steal, divide, and destroy. He was trying to slip in and plant tiny seeds of discord.

Thankfully, I had time each morning to be in the word and wrestle with what was stirring inside me. Through a book I was reading, Hebrews 3:15 reached my heart: “Today, if you hear His voice, do not harden your hearts.” I felt called to keep my heart soft. The book’s daily prompt challenged me to “surrender the last 10%.” It said, “Partial surrender is still rebellion. What part of your heart are you still guarding?” God is so good — and so perfect in his timing. The things I was wrestling with weren’t big, but they opened the door for me to explore what full versus partial surrender really looks like. I dove in: Why was I letting things trigger me? 

I realized that hearts in partial surrender were bumping into my own heart in partial surrender — and honestly, that’s probably true in most of our encounters. We are all human with sinful natures. But I wanted a breakthrough. I asked God to crucify the parts of my heart that were defensive and self-seeking. I told him I wanted to love freely, to risk getting hurt, to risk not getting my way. Yet I’m only human and though I may want it, it frankly sounds scary and hard. I’ve tried “rise above it” tactics before — powering through with positivity or willpower. This time, I wanted transformation. I told God I didn’t know how to do it on my own.

As I walked back to our Airbnb, I kept praying, “Give me the answer, Lord. Show me what to say and do.”That’s when he gently revealed I was going about it all wrong. I was trying to muscle it. In his grace, he exposed my tendency to rely on my own strength until I’d run out of steam. That’s when the enemy doubles down: “You’ll never change… they’ll never change… it’s just who you are… it’s just who they are… better to distance yourself.” Who wins in that? And keep in mind, these were small things. See how sneaky the enemy can be?

I felt the Lord whisper: “Come to me and fill’er up. Fill your heart with my love for you. Remember, you act out of the overflow of your heart — Luke 6:45 says, ‘A good man brings good things out of the good stored up in his heart, and an evil man brings evil things out of the evil stored up in his heart. For the mouth speaks what the heart is full of.’ — and your heart is thirsty. Spend time with me and let me pour into you.Visualize me filling your heart to overflow with my love. Fill your mind with my thoughts: I created you in your mother’s womb. I created you because I specifically wanted you. I love you so much. I sent my Son for you because I want to spend eternity with you—and every minute of every day. You are my cherished, beloved, priceless daughter. You are so valuable to me.”

You want to know what happened? Something shifted. I stopped striving and started receiving. I felt so loved, free, and tenderhearted. I wanted to shout, “I’m in love, and I don’t care who knows it!” When you’re in love, you see the world — and others — differently. Suddenly what had felt burdensome just fell away. I walked back to my people full of easy love and joy.

Lord, you are wonderful, marvelous, glorious. We praise you and adore you. You are Lord over all — yet your greatest desire is simply to be with us. To fill us with your love for us. We are so small, easily distracted from the very thing that can fill every hole in our hearts. Help us to make time for you. Soften our wills. Fill us — to overflowing — so we can keep our hearts soft and pour out your love to the people you’ve placed in our lives. Amen.